I have to write about this..(May be graphic/tmi)

I don't know what else to do.  Maybe it will help me feel better, maybe it can help someone else.  This is MY experience. 
So on 3/1/2012 I found out we were expecting.  Mike will tell you he knew 2-3 weeks before when I was eating everything in the house.  I say him opening his mouth sealed the deal LOL. 
When we found out they said I was approx. 5 weeks along.  I was referred to a local clinic, had an ppointment for the 13th.  The sent me right over to another clinic and I had blood work and a viablility ultrasound.  The ultrasound dated me at 7wks 5days and we had a heartbeat of 153.  I was scared shitless but in awe and already in love.  We talked about whether we would make an announcement or wait until the end of the first trimester.  We did each call our parents and let them know...it was like we were bursting and had to tell SOMEONE!!  I decided I was going to wait before I told my daughter..she already had a lot on her plate and I was so unsure of her reaction.
I had a follow up appointment on the 15th to get the results of my bloodwork and talk to the PA that was handling my case.  The appoinmtment went fairly well, with the exception that over and over again I kept being told how high risk I was due to previous m/c and my age.  I am only 35 for goodness sake It not like I was 60 and suddenly knocked up!  I know why they had to discuss these things with me but it did not make it any easier.  At the conclusion of the appoinment we set up testing with a genetic counselor that will not be until 4/19.
So the next day, Friday I went to work.  I was not given any restrictions and everything looked good.  My daughter was coming for the weekend and although I had to work we were just going to hang out and chill like usual.  Friday night I went in to the bathroom after peeing and when I went to wipe I had a tissue full of blood in my hand.  I wiped 3 or 4 more times and then there was a fair sized clot.  At the time I though it was gigantic, but now that I look back it was about the size of a half dollar.  I called Mike in and he said ok take your time, clean up, and lets go.  So I made sure that my daughter was asleep and I got dressed and we went to the ER.  I guess we got there about 10:45 pm.  They did blood work and said my levels looked good.  About 1 am we had an untrasound and bean was still in there heart beating away!  The HB was 159 and everything was looking good.  The ultrasound found something called a subchorionic hematoma.  They said tht it was not normal but fairly common and that everthing looked good.  It was tiny..6 cm.  I was told I did not have to skip work or anything of the sort..just take it easy and let it bleed itself out.  Well, by the time we got home it was 3:30.  I was scheduled for work at 7.  I did go in at 7 but explained briefly what happened to my manager and he got me coverage on the basis that it was evident that I was completely exhausted. At noon I came home and went to bed.  Slept until dinnertime and then got up and lounged around.  Sunday I was off and my daughter was still here.  So we did what we always do watched the race and hung out.  She made us pb&j saltines and we just chilled.  Later that night we took her home and then I came home and went back to bed. 
The next day I woke up and was still bleeding like a siv.  I called to talk to my nurse and she asked me about the events leading to my trip to the er and said to tempoarily dismiss all other high risk factors I had, and that the subchorionic hematoma was small and no big deal.  So I continued with my routine and went to work and everything else as usual..just counting down to Thursday when I knew I was off and could spend the day in bed.  Wednesdays I loved because they're my early days.  I usually work 7-3 and as far as I was concerned that meant the next day and a half in bed!  Well I came home and crashed and when I woke up..I was a mess.  The bleeding was continuously getting heavier and I passed a large clot ( litereally the size of my palm)and then we decided we were going back to the ER.   Same somg and dance.  Bloodwork, u/s and everything looked good, even appeared at that point that the subchorionic hemmorrage was shirinking, it was down to 3 cm.  Somewhat relieved, we came home and went back to bed.  I had a follow up appointment for my GP as a follow up to the first ER visit at 1 pm.  So we got up and went to the dr.  He said to me "Look, Jude.  I have heard this cases go either way.  My issues is with things that bleed in general so I think you need to be seen by a obgyn TODAY." I  informed him that I had a call in to my reg obgyn but he was out of town.  He said there had to be someone covering him.  So he got me an appointment with THAT guy.  The doctor agreed to see us right away.  We went over..regular exam and another u/s.  We even got to see bean dancing around for that one!  Boy what an eye opener that was!  This was at 3:30 in the afternon. We asked exaclty what the danger signs were to look for so I could calm down a bit and we didnt blow up his office phone.  He said pretty much word for word what happened.  Heavy bleeding to the point that it was running down your thighs.  Passage of large clots..and he said when I passed one I would know what the meaning of large was.  He gave me a container to collect the clots with if it got to the point he was describing.  He also ordered me onto bed rest for at least a week. He explained that working was pretty much irrelevant ...  if something was going to happen it wouldnt matter if I was at work or in bed but that there would come a time that I would want to know I did everything I was told.  Boy was he right about that! 
So on our way through town we stopped and dropped off the note at work.  Came home and ate something and then was preparing to go get just a few things from the store.  We never even made it that far.  By 6:50 pm I was callling him and we were racing down the highway.  I started off with serious serious cramps.  Then contractions.  More HEAVY bleeding.  Passing a few fairly large clots but after our converstion I knew it wasnt a huge ordeal.  The blood that was literally pouring out of me was my biggest concern at that point.  It literally felt like I was pissing blood.  The doctor said that he was still over at the hospital but he would meet us at his office no later than 7:30.  It had to be 7:15 when we got there.  Mike, being the awesomeness that he is was just talking to me.  Cars, weather, weekend plans whatever.  He looked down and saw that I was bleeding on the carpet in the hallway.  So we trekked a little farther down the hall to the rest room.  Where I continued to bleed on the tile floor.  Here I am trying to clean up my blood from the floor.  Just throwing paper towels down not literally cleaning it but he came in and looked at me and was like..'really Jude?'  I was like what I'm bleeding all over the place.  It was then that I passed the first large clot.  I felt it in my pants.  So we got some paper towels and stuffed them down my pants for good measure..then went back out to look for the dr.  Not ten seconds later here he comes.  He opens the office door and says Ultrasound room or bathroom and if you choose the bathroom whatever you do DONT FLUSH!!  The u/s room was closer and here we are trying to figure out how to take off my pants without spilling the mess that is already spreading like wildfire.  The dr was on the phone I guess changing his schedule or whatever and walks past and says oh shit I have to go yeah that needs to be checked.  I couldnt help but laugh.  Ya think?!?  I mean I have to admit I was hoping this guy was going to yell at me for wasting his time but that was not the case here at all. 
He starts to do an ultrasound then looks at my face and says your pretty sure arent ya?  I said Yep.  So he goes and gets his collection tools out and there in the mess...was our baby.  He didnt tell me right away though.  Him and Mike both set up to trying to clean me up some, and get me a little comfortable when all I really wanted to do is take a shower.  The he does the u/s and the difference from just a few hours ago was ...amazing.  My uterus was empty.  Although I knew it in my heart..when I saw it I just broke.  Then he told me in the collection process he found the fetal tissue and asked if I would like to see it.  I did.  I saw our little bean. 
After that they got me on my feet and the doctor explained that there was more tissue that would pass.  He showed me some left over tissue on the image and spoke to me about size, etc.  More of it did pass right there in the office.  He asked me about sending me home with pills to help contract my uterus and the possibility of a d & c.  I didnt really want either.  I just wanted my body to take care of business which is was apparently already doing.  So we came home and I took a shower, sat with Mike a bit, called my parents and went to bed. 
The next day I was still bleeding and passing clots but anything thats not what I had just experienced seemed ridiculous at this point.  I just spent 2 days laying in bed, watching my soaps and reading my books.  Then sat afternoon the contractions started again.  I mean PAINFUL!  I swore my uterus was falling out.  I called the dr and he called me in some scripts for pain.  I have had a few more passages since then but everything seems to be progressing normally.  I will even return to work on Tuesday. 
I still have so many questions.  We made it further this time than we have in the past so I was pretty sure this was the sticky bean.  I don't think we will go down this road again.  It is beyond heartbreaking for this to happen time and time again.  Our main concern right now is trying to find out if this is a genetic issue that may affect my own daughter some day.  This subchorionic crap..I don't know.  In all the reading I have done it is fairly common and women have it and carry on to have successful pregnancies all the time.  I know that the doctors and myself did everything they could.  It was too early for anything medical to be able to save the baby one way or the other.  I know that everything happens for a reason.  That doesn't make anything any easier to swallow though. 
I'm really not sure if I accomplished my goal with this post or not.  It felt good to get the story out detail for detail.  Maybe it can begin to help me heal emotionally.  I just dont know.

Beans First Picture
Beans Second Picture